Hey! It’s been a while. I had put the blog on hold to really focus on my situation and family. I’m finally at a healing point where I feel like I can share in hopes that I can help women suffering in the dark with this. Beckett Rowe is almost 7 months old & I am FINALLY pulling out of the “dark”. Don’t get it twisted when I say dark… these have also been the BRIGHTEST 7 months of my life as well. Ummm, how is that possible?!
Let me back up and tell you what led up to THIS as well..
3 months before Beckett was conceived I experienced an unexpected miscarriage. I was told for years due to endometriosis it would be hard to conceive & I was THRILLED to be pregnant with a little babe. We had to go in earlier + more than normal to track allllll the things to make sure our baby was on the right track and healthy. Everything was looking great! We went in at 8 weeks to hear the heartbeat to find out there wasn’t one… that’s the only way I know to put that. It was world changing, heart breaking + rocked my world. I didn’t really even know until now how much it rocked my world. I had NO signs of miscarrying + I was stunned. I had to wait two days go in for an additional ultrasound to make 100000% sure then have a D+C to have my baby removed. That was brutal. It still is brutal, honestly. It still hasn’t 100% settled right with me & I don’t know that it ever will.. I can’t wait to hold my babygirl or baby boy in my arms one sweet day.
Fast forward 3 months.. I took a test thanksgiving morning to see a “yes”. TEARS OF JOY followed by intense fear. I was scared to death & I wanted to do EVERYTHING in my power to protect this child given to me. I was scared to go to the gym(was advised not to do much), couldn’t vacuum, terrified to drink caffeine, guarded my stomach like crazy… I was really over the top y’all. We had a scare at 9 weeks due to my placenta then at 28 weeks due to dehydration… God protected my angel girl. I went in at 37 weeks with preeclampsia & had to have a c section four hours later. I was told I had very little amniotic fluid around her & the cord was wrapped around her neck multiple times. THANK YOU GOD for getting my beautiful Beckett Rowe to me safe & sound.
We got to bring our perfect bundle of joy home & I was seriously in love. In LOVE. I had the normal struggles of moving around with c section, breastfeeding (she is now formula fed), and being a new tired mom. Day 5 came & my world was flipped upside down. I was hit with THE WORST postpartum anxiety. I don’t even know how to explain the feeling I was struggling with… tight chest, shaking, complete fear to just say the least. I felt like a failure. It was supposed to be THE HAPPIEST time of my life. I worked so hard to get this perfect baby here healthy & why would I feel this way?! I watched her constantly.. barely eating or sleeping because I feared if my eyes left her something may happen. I made up the most bizarre scenarios in my head that could happen that I would have to protect her from.. which now I realize was my OCD + a little PTSD coming into play from the miscarriage. Yes, I’ve seen therapists over this & no, I’m not ashamed to admit that. What I experienced & still experience some is SO REAL + so much more normal than people realize. Hormones suck. The love of a mama is intense. Being a new mom is life changing. I take an anxiety pill daily.. that’s ok. I had to have help to get my fear under control to be able to pull myself together to be THE BEST mom to my angel girl & thats ok. I know I’m a good mom & if you are struggling with the same, you are too!!!! God has called me to tell this story time & time again, but I have lived in so much fear. “What will people think?” Now, I no longer care. There needs to be so much light brought to postpartum because it is out of a mom’s control. I love Beckett Rowe Wright more than I could ever put into worlds & I would do anything in this world to keep her self. I’m a helicopter mama & I’m proud of it.
If you are struggling in the dark & need to talk… please email me firstname.lastname@example.org . I won’t say a word & no one should have to struggle alone.